Hitting Send

“Dude! You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me.” I said to the shiny, black Mercedes that had just brazenly cut me off. When I heard this statement come out of my mouth, I realized that my vocabulary had gone to shit. Perhaps it was to be expected. After all, I do live in the same county that had inspired Valley Girl and the language that evolved from it. “Like, Oh My God!” The original OMG? Also popular was the saying, “Gag me with a spoon.” And thank you God that you don’t hear that one anymore. I live in the land where heirheads and celebriwreaks reign supreme and dominate the media. They’re rich, so surely their education can be counted upon to make them vocal role models. “That’s H@#!” (Ohh, right. And you even copyrighted it so I can’t use it here).

I’ve always found it humorous when people say they don’t have an accent. Of course you do! We all do. Every region’s dialect has its own nuances and inflections. Some, like the Southern drawl or a crisp English accent, are more obvious. Others, such as those in the Midwest, tend to be more subtle and difficult to define. I definitely came to adapt not only the California speech patterns, but the lingo as well. Now I’m not saying that all of my verbal abuse came from California, but, perhaps I should let you be the judge.

As a well-educated, intelligent, and generally articulate person, I am embarrassed to admit that I not only use far too much slang, but that the most overused word has to be “dude”. I can control it! I would never refer that way to my mother, or anybody else with whom I was carrying on a respectable rapport. But with my friends, particularly those of the male persuasion, I can say it a lot. And I know it’s not becoming. I’m working on it. Isn’t admitting I have a problem the first step?

Check it. Nah… I don’t usually use that one. I’m more likely to say, check this out. And I like, totally love to add an “a” to the ends of words too. I shoulda, coulda, woulda, sorta, kinda, gotta stop that habit too. ‘Cause it sucks big time. Dontcha think? BTW- you should totally check out my writing program trying to help me correct the errors of my ways right now!

Dudes! I’m totally gonna blow your mind and admit to my other nasty little habit; my love for the ‘f’ word. What do you mean you’re not surprised? Ohh, right. I fuckin’ used it in the first sentence, didn’t I? As a word, I find that it can stand alone nicely, but it also provides just the right emphasis when used with other expressions. Totally friggin’ awesome just doesn’t have the same panache as totally fuckin’ rad. Or is it totally fuckin’ killer? Although I do like freakin’ awesome. What the fuck?…Right?

I promise that I’m a respectful and loving person, so I would only tell someone to “shut up” if it were in a context that assured me that the person knew I was joking. And this is where I would not advise the ‘f’ word, because I hate hearing people say, “Shut the fuck up,” even if they do preface it with “dude”. What I do like to use and hear others say are “It’s all good”, “no worries” and “nice”. They have such sweet connotations. Sweet! As in, “Dude! That’s totally sweet!” And although it too stands alone nicely, a “dude” on the front is even more fun. Admit it!

You’re trippin’ by now, right? You’ve seen my photo and you’re shocked and just a little tripped out. I feel you! Although I rarely dig it. Sometimes I’m down with it. But more often than not I’m into it. Either way things are definitely cool. And that’s so hot. Because if it doesn’t suck, then it probably blows. But not chunks, ‘cause that’s nasty. And I’m so not fuckin’ around. No shit. Damn baby! You rock! Hell no??? Fuck yeah, man! Don’t hate, you know you love it!…and will I clean up my act soon? Nah…Fuck that! Later dudes…I’m out!