Hitting Send

Friends have asked me which of our presidential candidates I’m behind. I haven’t as of yet decided, but I’ll tell you why I would consider Hillary. I can overlook the fact that she got into bed with the same people who spent $60 million to defeat her health care bill. She does have more experience and…okay, I admit it…I want Bill back in the White House. Yes I do. That man did so much for this country while he was in office. He’s also darn charismatic. And think of all the great SNL skits that would evolve from having Bill as the first First Man.

I personally didn’t mind if he was getting bj’s at work. Especially when I heard that he was on the phone with senators at the time. I would consider that multi-tasking. Wouldn’t you? And don’t we want our president to be able to multi-task? Come on. It was actually rather impressive. You and I both know that Bush could never do that. Maybe we would be better off as a country if he had. Would we be fighting an ill-fated war if George was getting bj’s? Come on Laura. Suck it up and take one for the team.

I really believe that Barack could be a good president in about another ten years, when he’s gained some experience. I’m disappointed that the big ‘O’ decided to back him. It’s not even just how disconcerting I find the fact that he’s backed by nuclear energy; although that is troubling to me. I was very happy to hear that he put down the cigarettes, replacing them with nicotine gum. Can you imagine the leader of the free world smoking?!?! Although I give kudos to him for admitting that he not only smoked pot, but actually inhaled! He gained a little more respect from me right there. What does concern me is that he’s gaining in the polls and shifting votes. If we lose the democratic vote and get stuck with yet another Republican fuck-up, I will be devastated!

The candidate most in line with my political views is Kucinich. And we all know that a man who resembles an elf does not stand a chance in hell of being elected. What a pity! He has progressive views that would send this country into the right direction, and even make up for some of the damage done. Have you seen his hot wife? The red-head with a tongue ring? The man must have tricks up his sleeves to have landed her. Go Kucinich!

I must say a word or two about Republican candidate Mike Huckabee. Congratulations on the hundred pound plus weight loss. Good for you! May I recommend that if you need the congratulatory remarks, you get them by going on Oprah? Don’t run for president! Oh, and allow me to please laugh at the debate around your Christmas commercial. You’re really maintaining that the lit-up cross behind you was just a bookshelf? Really?? And the three, very specifically arranged Christmas balls didn’t represent the Holy Trinity either, right? Dude! You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me! I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention my extreme concern about your son. The Psychology major in me knows how truly disturbing it is when children are abusive towards animals. You have excused the fact that your ten-year-old son actually killed a dog while away at Summer camp. Very upsetting. Can you imagine Bill and Hilary explaining why Chelsea killed a dog? Enough said.

Then there’s the opportunistic, cross-dressing, cheater from New York. Ugh! I know you paint yourself as a family man now. I saw you stop the news conference to take a call from your wife. Which number wife is that anyway? Weren’t you still with the last one when you met her? I will give you some credit for all of the times you’ve gone out dressed in women’s clothes. I love when someone is open about their fetishes. It’s refreshing and, like Barack’s drug-use confessions, I’ll tend to trust you more. But not enough to want you in the White House.

Well folks, that’s the view from my lens. I know I didn’t tell you much about where I stand. But with a name like “A Round About View of the Candidates” what were you expecting? Besides, I’m willing to bet that for every issue, you could pretty accurately guess where I stand. Am I right? Iowa Causus is in a few days, and it should be interesting to see how things evolve. I certainly have my fingers crossed!